Lucy's Breastfeeding Journey

While pregnant, I was routinely asked by other women (some of them friends, some of them strangers) if I planned on breastfeeding. My answer was always "I'd like to. But if it doesn't work, I won't be devastated."

It's amazing how a few months ... and becoming a mom... can completely change your perspective. 

At the beginning I was floored at how well both L and I took to breastfeeding, considering she was a NICU baby and a week old before we really tried. I had been pumping with both my double electric and the NICU's pump every three hours, and even though it was unlike something I've ever done, I almost cried with happiness when the NICU nurses told me she was getting my milk through the feeding tube. At least I mother in my little way.

I vividly remember the day I was able to put her to my breast. She was 7 days old -- I sat in a wooden rocker with a Boppy on my lap, my shirt pulled down on one side, privacy curtains surrounding our NICU pod, with a lactation counselor at my side guiding the process. The second L's lips found my nipple and I could feel an unmistakable latch, I cried out "How does she know?!" The feeling was incredible. Before that moment, I couldn't really predict how it would feel. Would it hurt? Would it be awkward? But it wasn't either. It was me being a mom to this little girl who had only known bad things in her mouth like ventilators and plastic feeding tubes. It was the most natural feeling in the world to look down and see my baby girl at my breast.

The next day in our "demo room" breastfeeding didn't go as well because she was so sleepy. But she was still connected to her feeding tubes, so it was okay. The day after that, I had to prove that we could do this whole feeding successfully before they would let us go home. And we did great. The number of wet and dirty diapers told us so. Then we came home and I was on my own -- no feeding tube and nurses for backup. 

I don't remember a lot about those first few weeks. Probably due to the sleep deprivation, PPD, PPA, and hormones.  I remember feeling pretty topless all the time and leaking milk through my tank tops. While I was proud and amazed that I was able to feed my baby with nothing but my own body, I felt trapped and tethered. I couldn't leave the house without her for fear she'd be hungry. I'd take the quickest showers of my life, listening for her hunger cries. My anxiety shot through the roof while leaving the house, praying she wouldn't need to eat while we were out in public. I never knew if I was doing it right -- or ANYthing right. Should she have both sides? Do I have an overactive letdown? Is she gassy because of something I ate? Does she have a milk protein allergy? Is she comfort nursing? Is she getting enough hindmilk? When will I get time to pump if she's never off my boobs? The neverending questions made me even more crazy. 

After the six week growth spurt, L was still hungry every hour on the hour, even though she had just finished eating 20 minutes before. Knowing that it was past the boundaries of a growth spurt, I went to a lactation counselor to do a weighed feeding. She had only passed two ounces. In addition, her weight wasn't going up the way it should. The two factors combined? Well, clearly I had been starving my child. 

And then it hit. The devastation Pregnant Me thought I wouldn't feel. The feeling of utter failure -- both as a mom and a woman. How could I be failing at this when we started off so strong, against the odds? I immediately sought advice from fellow mom friends. While they gave me invaluable advice, I couldn't shake the feeling of guilt and disappointment. I'd have to start supplementing and pumping to try to boost my supply. All the information I had read and heard peripherally came flooding over me. "Breast is best" ran through my head on a loop. I couldn't give my precious baby the "best." Now she'd be at risk for a slew of health conditions. Scary ones like heart disease, cancer, obesity! What kind of mother was I?

 I didn't understand how this triple feeding would all work. I tried a few things that week to figure out how to accomplish my goal of increasing my milk production and feeding her at the same time. But I stopped nursing directly so I could measure exactly how many ounces she was taking in. I referred to her formula bottles as "poison" and winced every time I gave her a bottle. After two weeks, her weight shot up almost a whole pound, which only reinforced for me how much she'd been "starving" before that. 

Eight weeks of exclusively pumping, save for overnight nursing sessions, later, my supply slowly dwindled further from 12 ounces to 8 ounces a day, pumping 6 times a day. I'm guessing I could blame going back to work for that, but who really knows. Apparently my 34H boobs really were for decoration and not function after all. I felt completely chained to the pump, always stressed out if I went over 3 hours between pumps and having to race home from errands to pump and figure out how to entertain L while I pumped in the evenings. And since we had finally found a formula that agreed with her, I became "okay" with that being her primary food source and my breastmilk as her "medicine."

But as I faced with the idea of my breastfeeding journey being completely over, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. What about our overnight nursing session? That 20 minutes of her lying down next to me, my body feeding her little body as she dozed back into slumber, inhaling that hot, salty baby head smell. It was the only tie I had left back to those early newborn days, the days in which I always joked about giving her "boobie sandwiches."

Even in the weeks I was only able to pump a mere two ounces a day (two pumping sessions), I couldn't let go of that early morning nursing time. I end up giving her a bottle after, so it's becoming a pretty pointless endeavor, but I fought. While I struggled with the feelings of "boobie sandwich nostalgia" and a disappointment that's hard to shake, I knew that I was doing was best for her and best for me.

A few days after she turned 4 months old, she rejected the overnight nursing. And then we were done.

Now I'm able to spend more time with her instead of worrying about pumping and therefore more accepting of the where my breastfeeding journey has taken us. Even though I couldn't make it to my six-month goal, I busted my butt (too much, undoubtedly) and didn't give up.

So even though I'm not giving my baby "the best" baby food, I am giving her the best of me.

5 Months

Dear Lucy,

Five months already! That's too close to 6 months, which is way too close to one year. You're becoming quite the little person these days -- very aware of your surroundings, grasping those hands, mimicking our expressions, trying out your little voice and its levels of loudness. 

Everyone tells me you must be the happiest baby on the planet -- you smile a lot and at everyone you see! I'm so glad you have such a good demeanor; I hope you never get the stranger anxiety a lot of people warn me about. There are sometimes you're with someone else, and your lower lip comes out in the most hilarious way and you just let out a huge wail. I haven't quite figured out the cause of that one!

You figured out how to roll from back to belly, but not the other way around. Then you get mad while you're on your tummy because you get stuck. It's another reason you're not sleeping in your crib yet! You love putting weight on your legs -- I'm almost wondering if you'll master walking before anything else. 

You're still awesome at being out in public -- you love your car seat, the stroller, being in new places and hearing ambient noises. And it works for me since I have been in need of a Saturday shopping buddy since your dad's been working a lot of Saturdays. I can tell you're going to be my little shopper girl. You still love music and being sung to, and you really get a kick out of being tossed in the air and "flying". 

Your looks are changing a lot to me. You're looking more like a little girl and less like a baby. Your hair is getting lighter and falling out (so is Mommy's). You're all round and chubby and pretty long. It's rare, but sometimes I see some of me in your appearance, but mostly you're Daddy's little clone. 

Again, I can't get over just how much you have changed my entire world. I love you more every day, which I didn't think it was even possible. As much as I'm sad to see  these baby months fly by, I'm sooo excited to see you take in the world and be old enough to say "I love you, Mommy." 

I love you, Big Girl Buggles!! 

Love, Mommy

Lucy at 22 Weeks

Weight: 15 lbs 4 oz. Height is around 25" and head is 17". This puts her about 50/50/90. I love my big-headed kid.

Medical Issues: I took her to the pediatrician Thursday because her chest cold has lasted over three weeks. They diagnosed it as sinusitis but kind it's probably a case of bronchitis that was nearing the end. She was put on augmentin, and she's already doing a lot better! 

Sleep:  Unswaddled in the RnP at bedtime. She was waking up 5 times a night earlier in the week, and I blamed it on sleep regression (since she's BEEN sick and sleep wasn't a problem before that), so we tried a little sleep training. She would cry anywhere from 5-30 minutes but then soothe herself. I would feed her if she woke up after 1 am though. I'm now thinking it wasn't really a sleep regression, and she was waking up because she was sick. I feel awful, but sleep training will have to happen sometime, especially since she's not in the crib yet. 

Clothes: 3-6. Still trying to get her into more "outfits" during the day. 

Social:
She attended her first wedding! And she did amazingly well. Sat quietly through the ceremony on my lap and threw smiles at everyone throughout the night -- even through skipping her evening nap and staying up past her bedtime. She only ever cried once. What a rockstar.

Crying:
Hunger and overtiredness.

Milestones:  
First sleep training? Now that she's a roller, she wants to try it out everytime she's on her playmat and everytime she's getting her diaper changed. Oy vey. She visited the Easter Bunny for the first time and got her school photos back. :)

Lucy at 21 Weeks

Weight: Maybe around 15 lbs? 

Medical Issues: Dry skin on her cheeks. The cold that will never end. Snottiness. Chest cough. 

Sleep:  Unswaddled in the RnP at bedtime. She wakes up around 1-2 times a night to eat. We're probably too quick at jumping to the bottle, but sometimes it's all about sleep preservation.  Sometimes taking longer naps, which is definite progress. 

Clothes: 3-6. I'm just now trying to get into her outfits for daycare instead of the sleep n plays she normally wears. And I must admit, she looks damn cute in pants. 

Social:
On weekends I've been taking her shopping on Saturdays since W has been working a lot of mandatory overtime. She loves car rides and getting out and about, which helps us both. If we were cooped up in the house, we'd drive each other crazy.

We attended her NICU Reunion. It was a little bittersweet to be at the same hospital where we dealt with so much pain and anxiety at Lu's bedside, but we loved seeing her neonatologist, her nurses, lactation team, chaplain. So happy we went!

Crying:
Overtiredness. I've really been trying to watch for her sleep cues and get her down before she melts down, but it's been happening a lot lately. She also REALLY hates getting her nose suctioned, and because she has the cold that will never end, I've had to do it a lot.

Milestones:  
She rolled from back to belly! She was getting close, but it one night I laid her on her back while I went to her room to grab a sleep sack. When I came back she was on her belly and hands looking up at me all proud. Now whenever she's on her kick and play piano playmat, she tries to roll over but gets caught by the toy bar/pole. Silly goose.

Lucy at 20 Weeks

Weight: 14 lbs 6 oz at her appointment last week. Anything from here to her 6 month appointment will be a guess. 

Medical Issues: Eczema continues -- mainly on her left elbow and cheeks. Of course the cheek dryness could be from all the drooling she does. She's been showing teething symptoms for awhile, but nothing has broken through the gumline yet. She's still suffering her little chest cold. She coughs at night, but it doesn't generally wake her. 

Sleep:  RnP in her room. But now unswaddled! We tried to go cold turkey with the crib and the unswaddling which resulted in an epic fail. Now we're just doing no swaddle but in the RnP and so far, so good. We even had one night of no wakeups!

Clothes: 3-6! She can still fit into some of her 0-3 clothes - namely onesies. 

Social:
My stepbrother offered to make dinner -- spaghetti! -- so we dined at my parents' house during the week.

Crying:
Overtiredness. I've really been trying to watch for her sleep cues and get her down before she melts down, but it's been happening a lot lately. She also REALLY hates getting her nose suctioned, and because she has the cold that will never end, I've had to do it a lot.

Milestones:  
She was babysat for the first time because W had to work, and I had to go to my mom's birthday party, which was in a smoky bar. She did great! Tried the door jumper for the first time. She didn't know what to do, but seemed to have fun anyway.

Lucy at 19 Weeks

Weight: At her four month pediatrician visit, she weighed 14 lbs 6 oz, which means she gained a whopping 9 ounces in just 6 days. We somehow timed her doc visits at the beginning and end of a big growth spurt. She also gained an inch diameter in head, which puts her noggin in the 98th percentile! 

Medical Issues: Big growth spurt!! She went from eating around 24 ounces a day to 32. And she'd wake up two-three times during the night to down whole bottles. 

Sleep:  RnP in her room. 

Clothes: 3-6! 

Social:
The usual -- Target, dinners out, lunch date with Mama. Visit to see her great-grandmother, Carm.

Crying:
Teething. Hunger. Tiredness.

Milestones:  
She can read?

4 Months

Dear Lucy,

Time is going by too quickly!  Four months in the scheme of things is not a huge amount of time, yet it feels like aeons since your birth and your newborn days!  You are an observant and engaged young lady now. You're working very hard on finding your hands and rolling over. You are working on your core strength and are doing decently well at tummy time.

Each day you amaze me. You become more aware, more "worldly", more in tune with your feelings and opinions. I think you know who we are. You light up like a Christmas tree when you see me or Dad. You giggle when Mommy kisses your feet or cheeks and when Daddy sings to you. Overall, you're a pretty sunshiney kid, even through teething pain. Speaking of teething, you shun all your teething toys in favor of chewing on your hands. 

We have less time together during the week because you slowly moved your bedtime up from 10 pm to 8 pm. I never feel like we see each other enough, so weekends are very cherished around here. 

Four months in, and I still cannot believe I get to be your mommy. Whatever I did to deserve you must have been something incredible. You are my heart, Lu. 

Love, Mommy