After not being in my house for two weeks, being sleep-deprived, needing to clean and unpack at least a little bit, set up the baby things I knew she would need, and fielding calls and text messages -- and oh yeah, caring for an unpredictable newborn -- I became a basketcase. And after 9 days of being at home with her, I'm still very much a basketcase. Don't get me wrong -- I am not suffering from PPD (mayyyybe PPA) and I love her so much. But I'm terrified. Of everything. I was already a bit of a type A, anxious control freak before pregnancy; now it's extremely heightened. I assumed and hoped that knowing how to care for a baby just came WITH the baby and that my natural instincts would take over. But I find myself doubting everything and so stressed that I'm not giving her the best care ever. Hell, it took me a day to realize she had diaper rash.
She's a little alien right now. While her needs are pretty basic (eat, sleep, poop), I find her a puzzling little creature. She has no rhyme or rhythm to her day, and her nights are something I dread everyday. From what I can tell, she's a pretty normal baby (and recovering quite nicely from her preemie lung disease) and her eating and sleeping hours are typical of babies her age. But I can't wait until there's some sort of routine or predictability in my life again. I worry about what happens when it's time for me to go back to work. I blame some of my anxiety on Wes's work schedule. The afternoon/evening/night seem endless with him at work, and I wish I had him around more to help.
So add a huge heap of sleep deprivation on top of it and a big scoop of hormones. It ain't pretty, folks. I hate to wish away these days, because there truly is no greater feeling than when she curls up on my chest, all content and sweet. My heart wants to burst when I think about the span of her life -- and the enormous task I face in raising, educating, and protecting her. She rules my world in every way right now -- and forever. I still can't believe I helped make and grow someone so amazingly perfect and beautiful.
I need to just trust in all the other mamas out there who tell me this phase will pass and that things do get better. In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy all the good parts of the newborn chapter.
