1 Month

Lucy at 4 Weeks

Weight:  We're back to birthweight (plus an ounce) at her appointment Tuesday, so 8 lbs 12 oz.

Health:    She has had three heel punctures in the lab to monitor her bilirubin levels. Even though she was under photo therapy lights for three days during her NICU stay, it's still lingering. If it's not gone down by enough, she has to have a full blood panel. :( 

Also, she had an ultrasound done last week to look at her sacral dimple, which is sometimes a marker for spina bifida. While she doesn't have spina bifida, they did discover a cyst in that area. It could be nothing to worry about, but they'll keep evaluating it during her exams. 

Oddly enough, her health problem that landed her in the NICU is but a memory for us. Since she's been home, her lungs sound so much better, and her breathing seems to be typical of your average newborn.

Sleep:  Our biggest challenge right now. I feel like she's backsliding -- two hour naps during the day, but can't sustain longer than that during the nighttime. And sometimes she's not easy to get back down after feedings. I feel like I'm doing the right things -- swaddling, at a slight angle, dark, sleep sheep -- but she must get too hungry to stay asleep. I'm thinking about introducing a formula bottle to see if that keeps her fuller longer, plus it would allow me to get more sleep.

Clothes: Newborn and some 0-3. I keep her predominately in sleep and plays and fleece one-piece PJs. It's just a lot easier for diaper changes and clothes changes. She hates being naked and trying to pull a onesie over her head while she screams is more than I need. 

Social:  We get a visitor almost every evening (which helps my sanity while my husband is at work), but that's slowing down. We've taken her to Target, the mall, and McDonald's so far, in addition to her doctor's appointments. I took her out by myself at 3 1/2 weeks for some more appointments, plus we get to visit my coworkers at the same time. I also took her with me to my orthodontist appointment and a quick TJ Maxx run. I'm trying to gain more confidence going places with her. She seems to do pretty well in public (likes the noises and sights), and I know it's good for me to not sit on my couch for weeks on end. 

Baby Gear Love:
Carter's clothes - As mentioned above, one-piece PJs are the easiest for both of us, plus I'm nervous she'll be too chilly in anything else. 

Pampers Swaddlers - I'm afraid to try any other diaper, because these are awesome. Knock on wood, but we haven't had a blowout yet, and they really pull the moisture away from her hiney. 

Boppy Lounger - I registered for this at the recommendation of my friend Casey. I like that it keeps her close to me instead of putting her in another one of her containment devices. I wish they made them for adults! 

Wubbanub - I think they generally look pretty ridiculous hanging off babies' mouths, but I caved and got her one. She actually really likes it, and she's only ever given a crap about the cut Soothie she had in the NICU. Whatever makes her happy and content!

Crying:  Mainly cries when hungry or overtired.

Milestones:  First big girl bath at 3 weeks, first mall trip, first tummy time and activity mat and first Thanksgiving!

Welcome Home, Lulu

Bringing Lucy home was the one thing I prayed for. But while home was more comfortable, I didn't realize the next chapter of her life would prove to be a challenge almost as rough as her NICU duration.

After not being in my house for two weeks, being sleep-deprived, needing to clean and unpack at least a little bit, set up the baby things I knew she would need, and fielding calls and text messages -- and oh yeah, caring for an unpredictable newborn -- I became a basketcase. And after 9 days of being at home with her, I'm still very much a basketcase. Don't get me wrong -- I am not suffering from PPD (mayyyybe PPA) and I love her so much. But I'm terrified. Of everything. I was already a bit of a type A, anxious control freak before pregnancy; now it's extremely heightened. I assumed and hoped that knowing how to care for a baby just came WITH the baby and that my natural instincts would take over. But I find myself doubting everything and so stressed that I'm not giving her the best care ever. Hell, it took me a day to realize she had diaper rash.

She's a little alien right now. While her needs are pretty basic (eat, sleep, poop), I find her a puzzling little creature. She has no rhyme or rhythm to her day, and her nights are something I dread everyday. From what I can tell, she's a pretty normal baby (and recovering quite nicely from her preemie lung disease) and her eating and sleeping hours are typical of babies her age. But I can't wait until there's some sort of routine or predictability in my life again. I worry about what happens when it's time for me to go back to work. I blame some of my anxiety on Wes's work schedule. The afternoon/evening/night seem endless with him at work, and I wish I had him around more to help.

So add a huge heap of sleep deprivation on top of it and a big scoop of hormones. It ain't pretty, folks. I hate to wish away these days, because there truly is no greater feeling than when she curls up on my chest, all content and sweet. My heart wants to burst when I think about the span of her life -- and the enormous task I face in raising, educating, and protecting her. She rules my world in every way right now -- and forever. I still can't believe I helped make and grow someone so amazingly perfect and beautiful.

I need to just trust in all the other mamas out there who tell me this phase will pass and that things do get better. In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy all the good parts of the newborn chapter.

NICU Part 2

Each day Lucy spent in the NICU was either a high or low. Highs when they landed on a diagnosis and each time she made progress. Lows when a nurse said to look at two more weeks. Highs when we learned it would be within the week. Lows when she didn't get to lose her CPAP and photo therapy when what was projected. Highs when we did kangaroo (skin to skin) with her and when she was able to shed a few tubes. Lows when we weren't in the NICU and spent the whole time wondering how she was doing. Highs when I was able to try breastfeeding her. Our NICU stay was by far the most unexpected part of Lucy's arrival into the world. It's just something you can't fathom until you're in it. The entire time it felt like I was living someone else's life. How could this have happened to us?

Skin to skin with mommy for the first time

Wes and I realized we had to take the entire awful situation hour by hour in order to deal. We leaned on each other more than I ever thought was possible during that week. He took care of me physically when I was so sore from my surgery. We took care of each other emotionally and intellectually. We took turns reading her books and singing to her and telling her stories. We cried together the first time she opened her eyes. Each morning we woke up and said, "I hope our little girl had a good night; I can't wait to see her." I knew that we could make it through anything, as long as we did it as a team. But we knew our girl was a fighter. All the nurses and docs would comment about her rebellious nature. We received a call Tuesday night from one of her docs saying that we had quite the child on our hands; Lucy had extubated herself from her vent, or as the doc said, "Lucy is telling us she's better and didn't need the vent, so we're advancing her to her to the CPAP." Turns out, she was right and didn't need it anymore. She spent the next couple of days under the photo therapy lights for her jaundice and the CPAP for her respiratory problem. We didn't get to really see her face during those days, but that weekend she got to lose her CPAP and the photo therapy and was even put in clothes!

On her 6th day in the NICU, we were transitioned to Level II and were moved to the "demo room." While it was nice to be in a more private setting with our own bathroom, fridge, microwave, and TV, it felt like a little prison cell. Lucy was still connected to three monitors and a feeding tube so trying to take total care of her for the first time with clumsy and awkward times two as she was tethered to her crib. It was then we first learned what sleeplessness is. Wes had to go back to work the next day (Monday), so I spent a good 24 hours contained in that demo room with her, just trying to figure her out, practicing my diaper changing and breastfeeding skills. The nurses came in once in a while to take her vitals, but it was really just me caring for her.

On the morning of Tuesday, November 6, Lucy's neonatologist came into the room and hugged me, asking "Are you ready to go home?" I cried in her arms. And after her medical team left, I fell into Wes's arms. It was the news we'd been yearning to hear since she was born. With extreme nervousness, we loaded Lucy into her car seat, all the while asking each other "They're really letting us have a baby? To keep??"

NICU Part 1

I wish I had been able to blog more in real-time last week. I don't want to forgot those days. Or maybe I do. My head is still spinning with the events of the past 12 days. One day I went to work and somehow didn't make it home for almost two weeks.

The night Lucy was born, around 4:30 am, the pediatrician came into our post-partum room, telling us that Lucy's breathing was too fast and that she'd be spending some days in the Level II nursery. I immediately panicked (and found it hard to process as I had been sleeping, was hours out of surgery, and was probably heavily medicated). I was so upset that she wouldn't be able to be in our room. I felt like I barely held her the night before ... never even made sure she had all 10 fingers and toes.

The next morning I was wheeled into the Level II nursery to see Lucy. It was heartbreaking to see her with her CPAP mask on and all the wires connected to her. I just couldn't believe that I couldn't hold my new baby. Her breathing was so fast, her chest rising sharply up and down with each breath. I spent the rest of the day in a numb state. We received visitors, but each visitor reminded me I didn't have a baby to show off like all the other moms in the other rooms did. That night we were told they wanted to transport Lucy to a NICU at a hospital 45 minutes away as a precaution in case transport became too difficult during the impending Hurricane Sandy. And then things got to the NICU level anyway, so at 4:30 am Monday morning, I was awoken by a pediatrician, nurses, and three people from the neonatal transport team. They had wheeled Lucy in on some crazy looking isolette transporter with plastic windows all around it. I could see she was hooked up to a ventilator. It was possibly the most awful moment of my life to see my baby, with her rapid chest/breathing movements, laid out hooked up to a ventilator and monitors inside that tent, knowing she was being taken away from me.

Monday morning was spent trying to recover and get discharged as soon as possible so we could drive to the NICU to be with our girl and also to beat the hurricane. I was in no way physically recovered from my C-section, but considering the situation, discharge was a must. As we frantically threw things into bags at home and made our way to the NICU, we couldn't shake the utter fear in our hearts -- that we may not get to bring home our little girl at all.

We arrived to the NICU Monday afternoon.On the way down, while trying to brace myself for literal bumps in the road, I read through Facebook comments and messages. There were so many of my friends and family leaving comments on my statuses and then sharing the story and requesting prayers from their friends. Each message made me cry a little harder. When we arrived at the NICU, Lucy didn't look nearly as scary as when I last saw her. She was hooked up the a ventilator and a feeding tube with monitors on her and needles taped to her head. She was having some tremoring they were keeping an eye on. Wes had to run out to make sure we could get a room at the hospital's nonprofit housing facility. After picking up prescriptions for me and a fast food dinner, we spent more time with Lucy in the uncomfortable, outdated NICU before going to our room. Wes and I were both feeling numb, just existing on some sort of auto pilot. I've never seen my husband so attentive to my needs, providing the ultimate care and compassion for my broken physical and mental self. The next morning I called back the mom of a friend who had graciously offered to host us during our stay to take her up on the offer.

The next several days after are a bit of a blur. We spent all of our days in the NICU by Lucy's bedside. At first they couldn't even give us a diagnosis or treatment plan as they tried different testing to weed out other things like pneumonia and infection. By Tuesday night/Wednesday morning they landed on our original diagnosis -- premature lung disease (respiratory distress syndrome)

TO BE CONTINUED.

Birth Story Part 2

Induction Day 2 started Saturday morning around 7 am. As the morning went on the contractions got more and more intense. The midwife broke my water rather easily enough. I was expecting a tidal wave of epic proportions considering my polyhydramnios, but it wasn't as much as I thought. I had three doses of fentinyl to hold me off until it was epidural time. I should have asked for the epi about 20 minutes earlier than I did because the last set of contractions were awful. Actually getting the epi wasn't bad at all. I had a hard time understanding why women don't opt for it! Unfortunately I didn't progress much during the day -- only ending up around 5 cm dilated by 8 pm. The OB came in to check me and we made the call to consider it a failed induction and do the C-section.

I was devastated but I think I always had a feeling it would result in a C-section. I cried a little as we got ready, but I was still able to make a joke about Wes looking like an astronaut in his OR gear. As they wheeled me into the OR and I laid under the bright lights, I couldn't stop shaking. I was absolutely terrified about what was going to happen. 

They brought Wes in right before they started the procedure. He and the anesthesiology team talked with me about anything and everything to distract me from what was happening on the other side of the curtain. I felt some pressure and wondered how far along they were in the process. Soon the doc said "Dad, you ready to see your baby?" and as Wes stood up to look, I remember shouting "Don't let him -- he'll faint!" But then Wes said "Oh my God" and started crying and said "She's beautiful!" I remember the doc saying "Wow, that's a big girl!" I couldn't believe she was here, even after hearing her little baby cries. I turned my head to the side to watch them take her to the isolette to clean her off. I couldn't see all of her, but I could see all of her dark hair and her chubby limbs. I couldn't get over how big and healthy she looked. They brought her over to me and I had my lips to her face just telling her how much we love her and how happy we were she was here. Then as Daddy held her, I had to focus pretty hard on her and not the pain I was feeling as the docs put me back together. I felt more of it than I thought I would.

They wheeled me into a recovery room while Lucy got cleaned up in the nursery. Then I was transported to my post-partum room and they brought Lucy in, wearing a pink sleep gown and a pink knitted hat. When they placed her into my arms I couldn't get over how heavy she was! We tried to breastfeed but she wasn't interested in latching. I had them return her to her nursery after a bit because I was so exhausted and out of it I couldn't keep my eyes open and knew I wouldn't be able to take care of that night. I didn't know that was the last time I'd get to hold her in my arms for another 5 days.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Birth Story Part 1

On Thursday, Oct. 25, I had an ultrasound to check fluid levels, a midwife appointment, and a nonstress test. The fluid went up again another 4 cm, so at my appointment we decided on induction at 39 weeks. But during my NST, another midwife consulted with one of the OBs and came back and said that because they were thinking I may gestational diabetes, they wanted to have me stay that night to monitor glucose levels and do a "test" induction in the morning. (Spoiler alert -- my fasting glucose was in normal limits, so the cause of my polyhymdramnios wasn't GD.)

I never imagined that when I went to work Thursday morning, I wouldn't be coming back home anytime soon! I moved into an L&D suite and had friends pick up my things from home. I mainly hung out that night. Friday morning the activities started with an IV and Pitocin drip. The contractions were pretty easy at first (and I guess I had been contracting on my own before that though I was only a fingertip dilated and 25% effaced). 

Around 10:30 am, the contractions were getting stronger, and around noon the midwife inserted a cervical balloon to help me dilate to 4-5 cm, in the hopes that they'd be able to break my water then.


Between the balloon, the more intense contractions, and a full bladder that I couldn't relieve because of the balloon, I was struggling. I had three rounds of fentinoyl which helped for all of 5 minutes each time. They took out the balloon a little early because I was having such a tough time. I only got to 3-4 cm and 75% effaced. The OB thought it would be better to just take a break and start again in the morning. I think that was the best idea because it allowed my body a break, and I got to eat, sleep, and take a walk outside.


TO BE CONTINUED.